“But He Likes Alfredo Sauce, And I Like Marinara!” The Importance of Balancing Individual and Relationship Needs

“But he likes alfredo sauce, and I like marinara!”

This was a true conversation between my best friend and I during college, following her return from a good date with a guy who went to our school.

“Well, did you have fun?” I asked. She replied yes, they had a good time, the conversation was easy, and she felt comfortable. “Do you have other things in common?” I continued. She shared they did have a lot of things in common, besides this divisive sauce preference. “Well… do we think we can maybe order separate dishes, or add the sauce on later if you are cooking pasta together?” She sighed, and agreed that was a possible solution.

I use this example in jest, of course, as this is a relatively minor example of the importance of balancing your individual needs in a relationship with the needs of your partner. That being said, balancing individual needs with the demands of a romantic relationship is a crucial aspect of maintaining a healthy and fulfilling partnership. While romantic relationships are built on shared experiences, they also thrive when both partners maintain their individuality and make time for things, and people, that are important to them as well. Here, we’ll explore five key indicators of healthy relationships and discuss the importance of balancing personal hobbies, friendships, and spaces with those shared with your partner.

5 Indicators of Healthy Relationships

1. Effective Communication

• Healthy relationships are characterized by open and honest communication. Partners feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, feelings, and needs without fear of judgment. This includes discussing both positive aspects and areas of concern within the relationship.

2. Mutual Respect

• In a healthy relationship, both partners respect each other’s boundaries, values, and autonomy. This respect extends to how partners treat one another in both private and public settings.

3. Emotional Support

• A key indicator of a healthy relationship is the presence of emotional support. Partners provide encouragement, comfort, and understanding during both good times and bad, helping each other navigate life’s challenges.

4. Shared Values and Goals

• While each partner maintains their individuality, healthy relationships often involve shared values and life goals. This alignment helps partners work together toward a common future while respecting each other’s unique paths.

5. Balanced Individual and Shared Activities

• Healthy relationships strike a balance between individual and shared activities. Both partners should have time and space to pursue their own hobbies and interests while also enjoying activities together. As I like to say, there should be time for each individual to spend alone with their people, time for the couple to spend together, and time for the couple to spend with each of their people. It does not need to be calendared or scientific; just working together to strike a balance between “yours, mine, and our” time that feels healthy and fulfilling for all.

Maintaining Individual Hobbies and Friendships

It’s essential for individuals in a relationship to maintain their own hobbies and friendships. These activities allow each partner to recharge, pursue personal growth, and bring new experiences back into the relationship. For example, one partner might enjoy a weekly book club with friends, while the other might have a passion for the North Carolina hiking circuit. And, it is totally okay if your partner doesn’t really like to read, or you are anxious around or scared of bugs and hiking is not for you! What is not quite as okay is not creating space for your partner to enjoy these activities that mean a lot to them, or making them feel bad about going.

However, it is important to take an interest in your partner’s hobbies and friends. Showing support for your partner’s interests, even if they are different from your own, can strengthen your bond. This doesn’t mean you have to participate in every activity, but expressing interest and encouragement can go a long way in fostering connection. Ask how book club went. Ask to see pictures from the hike, or if they saw any cool creatures. Interest fosters intimacy.

The Value of Individual and Shared Spaces

Having separate spaces within a home or relationship is just as vital as shared spaces. Individual spaces allow for personal reflection, creativity, and solitude, which are important for mental well-being. For instance, one partner might have a dedicated room for working on crafts, while the other might have a home office or a reading nook. We encourage the man cave and the hobby hut here! These spaces provide a retreat where each person can engage in self-care and personal hobbies.

On the other hand, shared spaces are where partners come together to connect and enjoy each other’s company. This might be a cozy living room where you watch movies together, a dining area for meals, or a garden where you both relax. Balancing these spaces—both individual and shared—ensures that each partner’s needs are met, fostering both independence and togetherness.

Get Individual and Relationship Support Today with a North Carolina Mental Health Therapist!

If you’re finding it challenging to balance your individual needs with your relationship or if you’re seeking to improve your partnership, Be BOLD Psychology and Consulting can help. Our team of experienced therapists in North Carolina offers both individual therapy and couples and relationship therapy designed to support your personal growth and relationship health. Whether you need help navigating relationship dynamics or simply want to ensure your relationship remains strong and healthy, our individual and couple’s therapists are here to support you.