Key Considerations for Marriage: Building a Strong Foundation for a Lasting Union

1. Building Love Maps

Love maps represent each partner’s understanding of the other’s inner world, including their dreams, fears, and experiences. This involves taking time to truly know each other on a deep level, so that you can understand and support one another through life’s challenges. In a marriage, this mutual understanding provides a foundation of empathy and connection.

Questions to Consider:

• Do I truly understand my partner’s goals, fears, and values?
• Have we talked about each other’s childhood experiences and how they shape our lives today?
• Can I anticipate how my partner would respond to different situations?

2. Sharing Fondness and Admiration

Expressing appreciation, respect, and admiration strengthens the bond between partners and builds positive feelings toward each other. This is particularly important during difficult times, as it reminds each partner of the positive aspects of the relationship and helps them avoid focusing on flaws or mistakes.

Questions to Consider:

• Do I regularly express appreciation for my partner, even for the small things?
• Am I able to focus on my partner’s strengths, rather than only on areas of improvement?
• Do I feel appreciated and valued by my partner?

3. Turning Toward Instead of Away

This element emphasizes the importance of responding to each other’s attempts to connect, or “bids” for attention, in a positive way. Whether it’s sharing a story from the day or seeking comfort during a stressful moment, consistently responding to these bids strengthens trust and emotional closeness.

Questions to Consider:

• Am I emotionally available for my partner when they need me?
• Do I notice and respond to my partner’s attempts for connection?
• How do we typically react to each other during stressful times?

4. Maintaining a Positive Perspective

A positive perspective involves seeing each other through an optimistic lens, assuming the best in each other’s actions, and giving each other the benefit of the doubt. Couples who maintain a positive outlook on their relationship are more likely to work through conflicts constructively.

Questions to Consider:

• Am I able to focus on our positive qualities, even when we disagree?
• Do we trust each other’s intentions?
• How do we recover from disagreements or misunderstandings?

5. Managing Conflict Effectively

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but it’s how couples handle it that makes the difference. Effective conflict management doesn’t mean avoiding disagreements; rather, it involves approaching disagreements respectfully and constructively. Gottman’s model emphasizes “soft startups,” compromise, and the ability to repair conversations that turn negative.

Questions to Consider:

• Can we discuss difficult topics without escalating into arguments?
• Are we both willing to compromise and find solutions together?
• How well do we resolve conflicts without holding grudges?

6. Making Life Dreams Come True

Supporting each other’s dreams, goals, and aspirations is vital for long-term fulfillment in marriage. Each partner should feel free to pursue their dreams while receiving encouragement and support from their spouse. In a healthy marriage, both partners feel empowered to grow individually and as a couple.

Questions to Consider:

• Do we talk about our long-term goals and support each other in achieving them?
• Are we each willing to make sacrifices to help the other pursue their dreams?
• Do we have shared goals and a vision for our future together?

7. Creating Shared Meaning

Shared meaning involves developing rituals, traditions, and values that make a relationship unique. Whether it’s weekly dinners, family traditions, or shared beliefs, these rituals create a sense of belonging and unity. For a marriage to be fulfilling, both partners should feel that they are building a life that is meaningful to them.

Questions to Consider:

• Do we have shared rituals or traditions that bring us closer together?
• Have we discussed our values and what’s important to us as a couple?
• How do we create meaning and purpose in our daily lives together?